*This post is for anyone who has ever dealt with any kind of anxiety, depression, or general feeling of feeling down or lost or not like themselves. Sorry it turned into such a long one but I didn’t want to leave out any details that may help someone who needed to hear that specific thing. I hope the story I am about to share with you helps!
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Hi everyone! I wanted to fill you in on some things that have played an important role in my life over the past couple of years in shaping the person I am today. I know a lot of you probably know a lot of the pieces of this story but I didn’t realize until I was in Gatlinburg, TN a few weeks ago sharing my story at our coach retreat that probably not many people know the full story and how it’s all kind of come full circle and I wanted to share it for anyone who can possibly relate and maybe give some hope to anyone who is struggling or going through a tough time in their life.
So as many of you know, I was VERY stressed back in 2011/2012 when I was doing a lot of traveling for work but you may not know how down it had me and I may not have let on how deeply it affected me. I generally live my life as an open book (as many of my beachbody customers and coaches know, I am NOT afraid to share when I am struggling, when I’ve missed workouts, when I’m behind on my business and messages- like right now- or when I’m just plain in a little bit of a funk). But in this situation, it was a little different. It was very tough for me to talk about without getting very emotional and quite frankly, I often times didn’t WANT to think about it more often than I already was. And it’s not like anything terrible was actually happening to me so I think there was a self-imposed guilt factor in terms of complaining about an opportunity that most people would be grateful for. Plus my anxiety was so bad at times that I wasn’t necessarily thinking rationally about the support I know I could have had all along if I had been more open about how stressed I was.
On the surface, I felt like I had a dream job. I always always loved working for my company (I was an engineer was a medical device start-up company). I loved my coworkers, I loved and believed so strongly in our product, and I was excited that my role within the company changed frequently enough to give me a lot of experience in a lot of different areas. So when my boss asked me if I’d be willing to take a role traveling internationally to Germany, Austria, and a few other places in Europe to help with our clinical trials, surgeon training, and product launch, I jumped at the opportunity. I was also told in this role that I may even be moving to Germany temporarily (6 months to a year) if the need arose. They knew I loved to travel (I was infamous at my company for always paying to extend my trips during conferences to take advantage of the sightseeing) so everyone, including me, thought this would be a great fit for me.
It only took me a few trips to realize that this was not at all what I had expected. The stress of navigating foreign countries alone; figuring out language barriers, train systems, and driving rules; and having limited to no contact with my family and friends at home (limited internet, expensive phone charges, and even the time difference made it all hard to feel connected or supported) made it stressful as-is. But there were so many ways I felt like I was being pulled out of who I was as a person and my normal personality, like having to deal with sleazy sales guys essentially trying to throw me at the surgeons for their own business benefit was awful. Can I handle myself in situations like that? Yes, absolutely. I learned very quickly the importance of setting clear boundaries even in situations where a normal person would assume they should not be necessary (thank you Michael Nilo- I will never forget our convo about this and the advice you gave me). I also learned how to be very authoritative when a distributor we were working with over there continued to make it very difficult to get our job done because of his own ego and need to appear one way in front of the surgeons and another way behind the scenes.
Long story short, this all made me feel completely out of my element. I need MEANING and CONNECTION and AUTHENTICITY and the whole world of this job felt so fake and icky and disconnected and unawakened.
The more I did this, the more I fell into a deeper depressive state. I was constantly having to be away from my friends and family. And for what? To be in this world where I didn’t feel good at all? Even when I was at home, I could never really enjoy it because I was always either trying to gain a grip after the last trip or prepping for the next one. I felt lost and I definitely did NOT feel like myself. Every morning when I would brush my teeth, I almost always cried when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. I didn’t recognize the hollow, blank look in my eyes. I didn’t recognize the stress I was carrying in my forehead lines. I didn’t recognize the lost, empty look of a face void of a smile for months. I could see pain written into every feature on my face.
It was hard for me to want to be around friends and family because I just felt sad all of the time. Even when the traveling finally started to dissipate, the anxieties I had picked up during that time lingered on. I all of a sudden had weird social anxieties that had developed somewhere along the way- for example, if I was going to go out with friends, I had to have a way to leave whenever I wanted in case I started to feel sad. I ended up telling a lot of my friends this and I was SO GRATEFUL for all of their support during this time. But it was still hard. I didn’t enjoy a lot of the things I used to (which made me feel worse because it made me feel like something was WRONG with me). I still to this day carry on a lot of the control factors I developed while traveling- I ALWAYS need to be the one to book my flight, to pick the location/duration of layovers, I never check a bag (one less thing I have to rely on someone else for). Don’t get me wrong, a lot of these travel habits serve me well but at the time when they formed, it wasn’t just for travel efficiency- it was for a desperate sense of control in a life where I felt like I had none.
The crazy part is, there was SO MUCH GOOD that came out of this. It was what led me into so many of the personal development books and spiritual development that have made me a happier and more positive person than ever (eventually). It was during this time that I read “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsh, Wayne Dyer’s “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” (Hay House is now one of my favorite publishing companies, which has led me to majority of my favorite authors), a simple but extremely uplifting book called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, “New Psycho-Cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz, and was led to a website called High Existence by my always enlightening friend, Diego Andrade, which opened up a pandora’s box for other self-help and self-empowerment internet resources. This new awareness finally started to break me of my automatic negative thought cycles and gave me a new focus and goals and purpose. I became mildly obsessed with doing my best to improve my thought pattern.
I also had spent a TON of time while in the midst of this depression thinking about what I would want to do if the stress became too much and I had to quit my job. I made a TON of lists about what had made me the happiest in life, what I felt most passionate about, times in my life when I felt the most satisfied and effective, etc. I thought about starting my own charity (only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t have a specific cause that I could focus on). I started volunteering a lot. I LOVED my time spent tutoring and helping with the family program at Light of LIfe. And this all eventually led me to discover the Beachbody coaching opportunity, which was absolutely PERFECT for me. Looking back, it incorporated every single one of the things that I had written down on my lists and completely nailed all of the things that made me happiest (helping people, health and fitness, showing people their self-worth, helping people work through their own fears and blocks). AND, I could do it while traveling if need be since it was all online (there wasn’t much else I could commit to at that time because I never knew when I’d have to go away again). AND, if I had been upset that day and maybe it was a day where I had been crying or wouldn’t have wanted to venture out into public, it didn’t stop me from going on facebook (nobody can see a puffy face through a computer screen!) and doing my best to help the people I was working with or create even more meaningful relationships with them.
The coaching was actually the first thing that started to bring me out of my year and a half long depression. I finally started to feel like ME again. I felt good. I felt like I was making a difference. Additionally, I felt a sense of CONNECTION again. A connection to the people I was helping, a connection to my true self again, a connection to the universe and all the people and wonderful things in it, a connection to a higher power.
Fast forward to our Fit Family Network Coach Retreat a few weeks ago in Gatlinburg, TN. I was sitting with 50 of the most amazing, open, caring, accepting, supportive, encouraging, positive, incredible people I have ever met. Talk about feeling CONNECTED!! :) :) I was sitting on a panel with fellow my fellow 1-star diamond coaches, Kelly Grignon, Sarah Roberson, and Sandy Tocci. Scottie Hobbs asked me a question about why I do what I do. He said I’m smiling all the time, bubbly- what makes me so happy about what I do? I told the story that I wrote about above of a time and place when I wasn’t so happy and how it got me to where I am today. Deciding to become a Beachbody coach has honestly been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve grown so much as a person and it has increased my spiritual expansion, self-belief, and belief that all things are working out for the best and for our greatest good beyond anything that I could have ever dreamed of. It sounds cliche’ when I say it, but the last 2.5 years of coaching have truly been life-changing.
An interesting thing happened when I got home from the retreat though. I realized that with all of the AMAZING stuff in my life (I am seriously BURSTING with happiness everyday), I remembered that I still have my emergency stash of Klonopin (anti-anxiety meds) in my purse. Even though I’ve probably only taken about 5 in the entire 2 years this all was going on, I’ve still kept them as a security blanket just in case I were to have some kind of awful panic attack. I realized that it’s finally time to let them go. I don’t need my security blanket anymore. I have a TON of people supporting me. I have never felt more connected and supported in my entire life. Not gonna lie, I did feel some mild resistance when I pulled them out of my purse but that’s just old habits and old brain patterns kicking in. There is no better drug than the love and support of my friends, family, fellow coaches, my beachbody customers, and all of the wonderful people in my life.
I wish I could tag all of my wonderful friends and family who have supported me through all of this; who have always supported me and who continue to support me with everything I do. You are all amazing. I feel SO LUCKY to have so many wonderful people in my life and I definitely would not be the person I am without your influence and support in my life. Not to mention, through all of this struggle, I have found within me the ability to feel connected no matter what, even when I am by myself. As Wayne Dyer would say, “you can never be lonely if you like the person you’re with when you’re alone!” And I do :) My tool chest for feeling connected has grown exponentially: from Hay House conferences, to walks by the river, to a chat with Nikki, to a yoga class with Chelsea, to a call with my amazing life coach, to convos with my challengers, to laughing and joking with friends, to quality time with my family and playing with my sister’s puppy, to an incredible coach retreat in the beautiful smoky mountains with our fit fam, to dancing in my room by myself, I can ALWAYS get connected any time I choose to be. I’m pretty sure that is one of the greatest skills and lessons I could learn in life.
For anyone who can relate to this story in any way, please please PLEASE don’t hesitate to reach out to me for love and support. Now, more than ever, I believe that ANYTHING can be worked through with love and support. Sending love to all of you, always.
Love,
Katelyn
Disclaimer Copy: Katelyn Lesk is an Independent Beachbody Coach.
I woke up this morning with a surprisingly high level of anxiety with no apparent cause. I've had my fair share of stressors lately, as we all do, but nothing abnormally out of the blue. There's a lot of things I could try to blame this on or try to work through in an effort to "rid" myself of it. I tried to just sit with it and let it pass, which I like doing, but I was having trouble shutting my brain off so as not to attach meaning to it (which of course keeps it stuck there). But then I came to the realization that I always eventually do... the one that is always able to bring me some peace no matter what I'm feeling. I CHOOSE to feel. I WANT to feel. I want to feel life in all it's "good" and "bad" glory. I'll take pain and sadness if I know it means it also brings me love, bliss, and joy. I KNOW how much I learn and expand in those emotions that we deem "bad" or "negative". I APPRECIATE sadness knowing that I allowed myself to really care about something or someone. I APPRECIATE anxiety for it teaches me to course-correct to paths that are more aligned with my truth and needs and it teaches me to build my faith so as to be able to feel peace. I APPRECIATE any negative emotions that allow the good ones to feel even better. I will ALWAYS be someone who wants to feel. I know I would have picked this coming into this life. I have never wanted to go through life numb... I want to feel ALIVE! I want to experience life and emotions in all of their forms! I want to know fear, sadness, and pain so I can know love, bliss, and excitement! I believe THAT's what we're here for- to FEEL! To experience! That doesn't mean there's a right or wrong way to this life, but it does mean that I ACCEPT MYSELF as I am. I believe that joy, bliss, excitement, and love can only be felt FULLY when our walls are completely obliterated! I am WILLING to lovingly feel fear, anxiety, anger, jealousy, sadness, pain, or anything else that wants to come up because I REFUSE to have walls up to ANYTHING! And I am learning to believe that ALL of these feelings have their own raw beauty to them. There is love and joy that can be found in all of them. A humanness. I believe suffering happens when we are in resistance to those feelings, or at least that is what my experience has taught me. I now find excitement when these emotions come up- the ones I used to resist- because I know it means I am learning, growing, releasing, or expanding in some way that leads to more good in my life and experience. As for the walls, I will have none. I am just me. And I am completely, totally, inspiringly ok with that. MORE than ok with that. I am in love with that. Bring it on!! I am ready for you, life, in all your glory and experience! I love life and I am willing to love it all!!!
