This is a long post but this has been coming up a lot lately as many people I know are getting bombarded with holiday treats and I think it's a VERY important message to reinforce.
We truly train people how to treat us.
Scenario 1: When someone is being blatantly disrespectful.
How to handle it: We have to rise up in our self-worth and self-power and take a stand.
Scenario 2: The disrespect comes in the form of subtle pushing against our goals, often disguised as the person presenting it as if they have our best interests in mind. Examples: "loosen up, have a drink!" "You can work later, come have fun with us!" "Have that piece of cake- stop being so uptight and live a little!" "You need to be able to have SOME treats." In reality, this person does not have our best interest in mind. Or they feel bad about their own choices and want a partner in crime.
How to handle it: Learn to stand strong. Brush off any teasing or taunting and stand firm with your priorities. A long time ago, a friend taught me not to worry about what coworkers/friends/family would say when we were out at lunch together and I wanted to order something healthy like a salad. Despite comments of, "wow, someone's being healthy, huh?" or "what, passing on the free bread?" or other comments that insinuate there is something wrong/different/bad about you for ordering a salad when the rest of the crowd is indulging (especially when it's a new change and not something they're used to seeing from you), I learned to shrug it off and order the healthy meal anyway. After a while, I have learned to be firm and say confidently, "yep! I have so much more energy and feel so much better when I eat healthy!" You know what happened? Those comments stopped coming. And over time, some of my coworkers and friends followed my example and started ordering healthier meals too. Side benefit is that you stop being an enabler of unhealthy choices by no longer being their partner in crime!
I had to do the same with friends who would push me to drink when I was out. In 2011/2012, my job was incredibly stressful and because my anxiety was so high at the time, if I was going to go out and even attempt to have fun, I needed to feel 100% in control (so no alcohol for me). I made it clear to my friends that if they wanted me to hang out with them, they'd have to let me enjoy the night without pushing me to have a drink with them. They were great, and they did. They knew I was telling them that from the heart and they wanted to be supportive. At this point in my life, I'm not opposed to some drinks with friends, but too frequently makes me not feel so good. But they still to this day know not to push me. Sometimes I'll have a drink with them, sometimes I don't- and that's all ok with them. Often times they'll look in my cup and say, "water tonight?" Yup :) Real friends want to hang out with you because they enjoy your company, not because of what you're expected to do together. It comes in REALLY handy now with coaching since I'm often doing workout/nutrition programs where I limit or cut out alcohol entirely!
Scenario 3: When taking a stand becomes trickier is when someone actually did have our best interest in mind but was unaware of our goals or their values don't necessarily align with ours. For example, a friendly neighbor drops off a plate of cookies. Within this scenario, there are several sub-scenarios:
Group setting, one-time situation: This could be something like major temptations at a big party or special occasion. These are the ones I most often justify indulging. Get very clear before the event what your goals/priorities are. In reality, not many things are one-time occurrences. Parties, weddings, holidays, vacations, and other special occasions come up frequently. *Special* occasions do not necessarily imply *rare* when it comes to the big picture so we still need to be mindful of our big-picture health goals. I'm not saying, NEVER indulge! I'm suggesting to first make sure it's really ALIGNED with what you want. Here are my tips for how to handle parties: http://katelynlesk.blogspot.com/2015/09/football-or-holiday-party-tips.html. Stick with your goals and do what you need to do. Like scenario 2, don't be afraid to put your foot down and stand strong if someone's pushing you.
Group setting, on-going: For example, cake in the break room. Office treats, family get-togethers, parties with your friends- all of these are regular occurrences where you will be faced with temptation. I say on-going because in any of these scenarios, you will be with the same group of people each time when faced with these temptations. So it's very important that you make it CLEAR what your on-going goals/priorities are. You have the OPPORTUNITY to have that conversation, stay firm, and make the rest of those occurrences EASIER! At my old office, my coworkers were very clear on what I would/wouldn't eat. It kept me strong because after I made it clear that "I don't eat cake" (or whatever dessert their wives would send in), I wasn't tempted to have any because I couldn't go back on my word! I used to do the same thing when the holiday candy would come in from vendors- I would get sassy about it and brag that I wasn't going to have a single piece! Then it became a sort of competition. And you know what? Every year that I actually *announced* it, I held strong!
Here's what happened: less and less people started eating the treats and they would often go to waste. So people stopped bringing them in! We had a small office (i.e. 5-6 people) so everyone was aware of each other's habits. In time, all the treats became less and less frequent. Take a stand and TRAIN people!
Individually targeted, one-time: someone gifts candy or cookies specifically to YOU. If you're in a setting (like your office) where you can politely thank them and take them home, don't worry about it! Once you're home, you can give them away or worst case, throw them away. I hate waste as much as the next person but I figure if they are not healthy and end up in my belly, that's wasteful too (plus that puts my workouts to waste)! Or if you want to have a little, GO for it! And enjoy it! Then freeze or give-away the rest.
Individually targeted, on-going: similar to the previous scenario, but you have a feeling that they might be gifting you some treats again. Show appreciation but between now and the next time you suspect you might be getting some treats from them, CLEARLY communicate your goals. I had to do this with my mom who would buy me a box of chocolates every year for Christmas. One year I told her in October (way before she would have bought them) that I didn't want any candy that year (or any year in the future) because I was trying to eat healthier and I don't want to have that temptation around. It can be tough to set that boundary but it is SO WORTH IT because once you do, you don't have to worry about it again in the future! She was very understanding and I'm so glad I set that standard along time ago so I don't have to worry about it this year!
I have to do this a lot with my TIME as well. A lot of people think that because I'm a full-time coach and work from home, that I'm available whenever. They don't realize how much work I put into this and how busy I am. I not only have to say no to a lot of plans, if it's an on-going demand on my time, I have to be very clear about my time limitations. It doesn't necessarily feel good- especially because there are often a lot of people I care about and want to see and spend time with. But I need to be diligent about setting boundaries and limits on the demands on me and my time and make sure I'm getting in enough time to do what I need to do for my coaching (which also happens to be something I care DEEPLY about) as well as "me time" to recharge. Learning how to set clear time boundaries has been an on-going learning experience for me for the past couple years.
The ONLY person who knows what's best for you is YOU. No matter what the demand is (time, food, lifestyle, respect), anything that might derail you from taking care of your body, your health, your confidence and self-worth, your dreams, and your values and priorities is not ok. Don't feel bad about setting limits and creating boundaries. Who knows, you may inspire some people along the way to make healthier choices and stand up for themselves too!
Stand strong!! It will make your life a whole lot easier, healthier, and aligned with what is truly best for you!
