By far the scariest post I have ever written

Today I wrote a Facebook post about something that was INCREDIBLY hard for me to share. I was absolutely overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support in response. I never in a million years imagined myself sharing this (especially on this level) but a lot of what I have learned over the last couple years has really taught me to be open and to be as ME as I can be. I've also been blessed to have even more super authentic and caring people come into my life who have inspired me with their openness.  I wanted to pass that favor along :) The final push came from an interview I watched with Teal Swan ("A candid conversation with Teal Swan" with Stephanie Fleitas). She gave me the following reminders (loosely quoted from my notes from the video): there's absolutely no such thing as a secret in this universe; if you are trying to maintain a secret, you are wasting valuable energy; putting your secrets out there gives others permission to do the same; there is a huge freedom in that and it also ironically makes you feel safer; when you’re very open, people are tender with what you give them; the person who can be themselves the most when they walk into a room, that’s the person that holds the most energy. She also gave some empowering examples of how she has made it her own mission to put her story and what would normally be kept hidden out there as much as possible.

Other messages I’ve been receiving lately have been all about facing fears. While this is a message I’ve heard my whole life, this was in the context of how it applies to emotion. If we’re afraid of feeling a certain way (sadness, pain, discomfort, etc), often the best thing to do is just allow ourselves to feel that way and then realize it’s not as bad as we imagined or that at least we have nothing to fear now. That was very true for me. The fear of people finding out about my disorder was way worse than the disorder itself. No better way to shoot that down then to just face the worst, put it out there, and now have nothing to fear! If we desire freedom, the fastest way to get it is to walk right into the eye of the storm!!

I hope my story helps you deal with any of your own fears you may be trying to face!

Here is the post that I wrote:

*By far the scariest post I have ever written*

But written with a lot of love in the hopes that we can inspire a radical revolution of openness, authenticity, acceptance, and compassion.

I believe that we are moving towards a world where we can one day share all of the deepest darkest sides of ourselves and feel completely loved and accepted for it.

In my 2.5 years of being a coach, I’ve had the honor and pleasure of working with some of the strongest, most loving, compassionate, open people I know, both customers and coaches, and also others that I have formed even deeper relationships with just because my work naturally allows me the privilege of deep and authentic conversations with a lot of different people. What I’ve come to realize is that despite what our lives may look like on the outside, we ALL have our struggles within; something about ourselves we’re embarrassed about or ashamed of, a secret from our past, a bad childhood that we try to keep hidden, something that we are self-conscious of, anxieties, fears, sadness, you name it. Feeling like there is a part of ourselves that we need to keep hidden is the source of a lot of pain and problems in this world. All along we go about our lives not realizing that it may be possible that we can be loved unconditionally for WHO WE ARE, not what affects us. My problems may look drastically different than yours on the surface but can we not all relate on the common ground of feeling ashamed, not worthy, or not enough with something in our lives?

I take my role as a coach very seriously. I believe that I cannot inspire others to do what I am not doing myself. I believe that change starts with me and my example. I believe this is true for all of us but I also realize how “out there” my life is in the social media world because of my job as a coach and I REFUSE to ever let anyone feel like I don’t go through the same struggles as everyone else. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I value my life and all of the people in it. There is so much about my life that I love and appreciate. But just like anyone else, there is pain in my past and fear in my present. **Working towards a better future means building compassion and love NOW** at the heart of all that we do.

Two things that I believe at the CORE of my being:

1. OUR STRENGTH LIES IN OUR VULNERABILITY

2. CONNECTION LIES IN AUTHENTICITY

So here is another step along my path of being as open and honest as I can with all of you in the hopes that anyone reading this may in some way feel like they are not alone. I also do it for my own liberation. I truly believe that which we keep hidden destroys us; that which we bring to light saves us. I believe that in freeing ourselves, we are freeing the world.

What I would like to share with all of you is that I have a disorder that causes me to compulsively pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows. I’ve struggled with this since middle school and it has been a MASSIVE source of shame, guilt, and fear/paranoia in my life. You may be thinking this sounds really weird, or you may be struggling to understand why this is a big deal. This post is not about my specific issue, per say, but more about the *emotions* associated with it so that it can be relatable to whatever struggle you may be going through.

It took me a long time to understand this disorder myself and it is still something I don’t like about myself and is hard for me to accept. I am grateful for it for all of the compassion it has given me for anyone struggling through their own issues. Most people don’t realize I can relate as well as I can until I tell them this story. It was always something I was terrified of people noticing. The panic that rises internally if I think someone is looking at me in a way that is even close to noticing is indescribable. The source of a lot of my fears is that it’s not something that’s easy for me to explain so it’s not that I fear so much that people know (although I used to fear that; it took me a lot of years to stop caring about that part), but it is SUCH a hard thing for me to explain. They don’t just fall out, this is something that I do to myself. And it’s nearly impossible to explain to someone why it’s something I can’t “just stop”. This disorder used to be in the same category as OCD but I believe more recent research about the areas of the brain that this stems from have turned it into an “impulse-control disorder” classification similar to Tourettes. I’ve been to therapy for it. Sometimes that seems to help, sometimes not. I think it’s hard for people to understand that this isn’t just some “bad habit” like biting your nails, but an actual brain issue that I can’t help. Trust me, if I could “just stop”- I would! One of the big sources of shame that stems from it for me is that there are times when it seems to be easier to control than others. That sounds like a good thing, but in actuality, during the times when it’s impossible to control (because there are times when you literally canNOT control it), it makes me feel weak and like a failure and guilty. And on top of that, I then have physical damage and signs of my “weakness” that can last for months. It makes all social interactions harder because I have that underlying fear of “what if somebody notices”. I have become an expert at hiding it with makeup but I resent the fact that it takes about 4 times as long to do my makeup when I’m trying to cover this up. Travel and sleeping in the same room as somebody else makes it more likely that they will notice and therefore more difficult. There is always a sense of fear leading up to any trip related to this.

There have been times where people have noticed and asked me about it. Some of these interactions, especially in my younger years, still make me shudder to remember the conversations. I remember being in a group one time when I was young where the girls I was talking to were trying to force the issue. I remember being so red and flustered. I remember the raised eyebrows and the looks on their faces that communicated to me that they were super weirded out by what I was telling them. I don’t blame them; I may have reacted the same way if someone had told me something I couldn’t relate to or understand. In my adult life, the reactions I get from people who have noticed and asked me about it are typically really understanding, reassuring, and supportive. But honestly, even with the people who I know will love me unconditionally, there is this internal panic that rises up the instant it gets brought up. This is not saying that I don’t invite dialogue about it. I would much rather someone ask me questions and give me the opportunity to explain why I can’t help it rather than just silently thinking I’m weird or the whole thing is bizarre (honestly, I wouldn’t blame them- I think that too)! Once it’s out in the open, I’m usually ok. It’s just that initial conversation that terrifies me so I literally never bring it up. A lot of my closest friends and family don’t even know. My worst fear is being called out in front of a group. Not only is there the initial panic, but then the quick decision of, do I make up a lie or do I divulge my deepest darkest secret, the thing that I’m most scared/self-conscious about, to people I may not even know that well? With the people I am close with, it’s not that I care that they know, but how do I bring up something like this to people who have known me for years and have never known? That thought is SO uncomfortable to me.

I’ve gotten better at telling my story in more recent years, mainly because through coaching, I’ve had a lot of people that come to me and are very open about their own struggles such as eating disorders, compulsive overeating, OCD, anxiety, etc. It is easy for me to share when I know that my story will not only benefit them, but they will also understand. I even had an amazing conversation with a friend recently where we could totally relate to each other because my fears about this were very similar to how he feels when he feels like he’s being judged or “under the microscope” because of his sexual orientation. Not only was the conversation very insightful in so many ways but it was also reinforcement of how SO many people can relate, if not on the issue, but on the FEELINGS associated and it was added inspiration for me to want to share with all of you.

I’ve only shared this story from behind the safety of a computer screen and I have yet to be able to share this story in person openly without wanting to curl up into my 12-year-old panic-ridden self. I have often said that I wish people just knew so that I wouldn’t have to be afraid any more. And there is still enough ingrained fear in me associated with this to wonder if people will no longer view me as just katelyn, but as katelyn-with-this-new-stigma-attached. But this is me taking a stand against my fears. **When we face our worst fears, it can no longer damage us internally, control us, or have power over us.**

I do not at all want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want to bring light to the fact that we all have something that we feel makes us different or judged. I want us all to be able to openly explore life in all of its weirdness and glory!!!

No matter what you are going through, I hope you feel like you are not alone. At least one person in the world (and probably way more than we realize or allow ourselves to believe) understands and accepts and loves you just the way you are.

Thank you for reading and I hope this benefited you in some way.

My wish for us all:

May we all learn to be more of ourselves.

May we all learn to love and accept ALL of ourselves.

May we learn to allow and accept all of the the “wanted” and “unwanted” aspects of ourselves and our lives and mold it into a perfect creation of our destiny. May we be at peace with the world by seeing all things as a gift.

May we feel safe and supported, loved and connected.

May we feel open to be our true, authentic selves.

May we give permission for others to do the same through our own openness and compassion and acceptance towards all.

May we live our lives in our own truth.

May we live fearlessly!

I love you all.

Katelyn

Disclaimer Copy: Katelyn Lesk is an Independent Beachbody Coach.